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With
God’s help, I overcame alcohol, illegal drugs, and cigarette addiction, but my addictive
personality was still alive and well and, in-time, turned to prescription pain medicine. Even after overcoming past dependencies, I was still looking for something mood
altering whether it be energy tablets, over-the-counter medicines such as pain relievers, sleep aids, sinus tablets, and
the occasional prescription drug passed around work or home. That made me easy prey for picking up the habit. In addition, it was during the time when Big Pharma was pushing the use of opioids, which turned into an epidemic. The types I used were Hydrocodone, Percocet,
OxyContin, Morphine, Soma (a muscle relaxer), and Xanax (anti-anxiety). Although, I did not have prescriptions
for all these drugs; nevertheless, I knew other addicts some with differing prescriptions, and
we would borrow, trade, buy, and share drugs with each other.
Like many addicted
to prescription drugs, we'd overuse what was prescribed to us; they rarely
lasted until the next doctor visit, and, due in part, to those frequent ups and
downs of having drugs, and then, not having drugs, and the sick, painful feeling of withdrawals when you don't have them, I soon found myself seeking God’s
help again to overcome yet another addictive substance in my life. Often times
in our walk with God, it is two steps back for every one step forward as we
learn to trust God.
Through
work, I attained medical insurance which allowed me to go to the Doctor for
prescription pain medicine, but that changed when I quit my job. However,
my prescription drug use did not stop there; I just did less of it because I
didn’t have the insurance or money to keep it going, but I knew people that did,
and hit them up for some when their prescriptions were refilled.
Often,
I would go months without any drug use at all and happily think, "Yay! I'm free from the habit," but then, something would trigger those strong feelings, impulses, and thoughts that occurred within me for them again such as a social
gathering (I have always felt anxiety in crowds and drugs helped me cope)
or just wanting to veg-out in front of the TV over a long holiday weekend. Then, I
would seek them out again, and the cycle repeated.
Every
time, I sought God for help to get me off of these pills with its recurring feelings, impulses, and urges, and all the related thoughts and imagery that goes along with them going off inside me like 4th of July fireworks, very spectacular, I felt impressed on my heart to look
to Jesus; how did Jesus handle the cross in His life (cross, for us, is a code
word for trial, temptation, tribulation, affliction, persecution)? He patiently endured the suffering of it, but I didn't want to hear that because I didn't want to do the work, so like a child, I whined saying, "NO! I don't want to look to Jesus! Can't you just instantly deliver me?" However, deep down, I knew better as Jesus says in Luke 21.19, "By your endurance you will gain your souls" (NRSV), that is what brings new life.
What God impressed on my heart to do when faced with temptation was that every time thoughts, feelings, urges, occurred within me for pills, to stop (meaning, take a step back), let the thoughts go by and don’t engage them because I won't like what they have to say, just let them go by like someone walking past me on the sidewalk, while patiently
enduring the suffering of them until they pass through my mind/body. When I engage the thoughts, I'm keeping them alive because I'm feeding them, but when I let them go, I'm putting them to death because I'm starving them of attention, and new life comes in its place. Jesus
didn’t engage his persecutors as Isaiah 53.7 says, “He was oppressed, and he was
afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his
mouth."
I really put God's plan to the test after a family member died from a prescription drug overdose (addiction runs in the family). Over the years, we were not close, and I felt such sadness and remorse over her passing, and anger towards addiction that with my whole being, I prayed again for help out of this personal, invisible, prison (addiction) I was in. At that point, I had such a resolve to put into action what God gave me to handle this destructive, deadly, habit.
For
example, as I was walking towards the bus stop on my way home from a place, a strong thought/feeling occurred within
me for pills that said, “It’s the weekend and you don’t have much work to do; why not go and get some pills. You know you want to!” I literally stopped dead in my tracks, closed my eyes, let the thought/feeling go by, and patiently endured the suffering of it until it passed through my mind/body.
I didn’t engage the thought because when you engage it, you risk going
down with it.
Once on the bus, another nagging thought/feeling rose up within me that said,
“It’s not too late; you can still go and get some pills!” Again, I stopped, closed my eyes, let the thought/feeling go by while patiently enduring
the suffering of the temptation without engaging it in my mind until it passed. Some other
thoughts that tried to trip me up were: “You can't do it; It's too difficult; God won't help; Today is not a good day to start; God has another plan!” I noticed that each time I
repeated the same above action, the thought/feeling got weaker and weaker, and further and further away from me in my
mind. Now, instead of letting the thought go by like someone walking past me on the sidewalk; it was like, letting the thought go by like someone walking past me on the sidewalk from across the street. That is how much of a gap there seemed between us. I was becoming detached from them.
The
last thought/feeling that occurred about it was after returning home, I was sitting at the computer desk, and a thought rose up within that said, “It’s still not too late; you can borrow your brother’s car and go get
some pills!” By then, the condition of the thought was weak, slow moving, wobbly, unstable, distant, and powerless that I just stared at it in my mind’s eye and mockingly said, “Really!” Then, all of a sudden, I felt something roll up
my back and off my shoulders. I quickly turned to see what it was, but there
was nothing there. I don’t know what it was, but I wondered if it was the
spirit of addiction that has plagued me, in some form and in some way, most of my adult life.
I
never used or had an urge for opioid drugs since. Those thoughts that occurred within me for them are quiet and at rest. To quote St. Augustine, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." Don’t
get me wrong, there is not a doubt in my mind that if I begin using again,
it will not take long for me to be back where I started from, but for now, my soul is quiet and at rest. Thank you, Jesus for showing us the way to new life
(recovery) by patiently enduring the suffering of your cross (persecutors),
you showed us the way to handle ours (addiction).
As for over-the-counter medicine, I felt impressed on my heart that with a little resistance,
I can stop taking them. Immediately, I remembered what an old ex-drug addict once said, “Because of my past problems with addiction, the only pill I take is
an antibiotic.” I thought, “He’s right!" Now, when I’m sick or have a
headache/body ache, I just try to tuff it out; I won’t even take a cough drop. To shore up things even more, I don’t partake of the wine or grape juice portion during communion at Mass/church or
eat/drink anything that has to do with grapes. Then, I recalled when God shored up things for the nazirites by telling them not to eat or drink certain things that might tempt them into fermented drinks. It reads, “they shall drink no wine vinegar or other vinegar, and
shall not drink any grape juice or eat grapes, fresh or dried. All their days
as nazirites they shall eat nothing that is produced by the grapevine, not even
the seeds or the skins” (Numbers 6.3-4). Much like the nazirites, I avoid anything that might tempt me.
Perfect for this post is a quote I came across by Winston Churchill that goes, "Sure I am of this, that you have only to endure to conquer."
