Allow People Space to Grow

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Discerning God’s voice can be trial and error. Hindsight is 20/20, and I can clearly see now that it was the Lord’s voice warning me not to get too involved with a particular woman from church named Patty. She was about 20 years older than me, and after the service, kept asking me to go for pie and coffee. She was lonely since her husband died and went back to church for something to do. Noticing her interaction with church members, the thought came to my mind that she was the church gossip and too much older than me to hang out with, so I resisted her invites, but she was persistent, and, in time, wore me down.

Though leery, we became friends, and did things together: we went for pie and coffee, attended Tuesday night prayer group together, I went to her house, and she sponsored me at a church ceremony. Things were pretty good between us; until, I made a bad choice when going through a depression due to my living arrangement and not getting along with my brother, I started to self-medicate by drinking a glass or two of wine in the evenings before bed.

I had not drank alcohol in years, so it didn’t take much for my eyes to turn blood shot red, and when, I went to Tuesday night prayer group the following night, Patty startlingly noticed, and, rumors began to spread like wild fire throughout the church. I was humiliated!  I stopped drinking the wine right away, but the damage was done; even, one of the pastors rudely shunned me. I wanted to stay at the church, but I didn’t feel welcome anymore. The scripture that popped in my mind was, “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity” (Ps 133.1, KJV)! Since, I felt my presence was causing division and not unity, I left.

But not before the Tuesday night prayer group and I met at an already planned event to hear a much-loved international minister, teacher, and author. I didn’t really want to go anymore after everything that happened, but I felt God telling me not to miss it, so I reluctantly went, and I’m so glad I did because God got my back, and put, Patty and the others in their place. During the much-loved minister’s sermon, out of the blue, he told a story that was the exact same scenario that happened to me at church, but with a slight difference. Instead of someone who drank alcohol, and then, was practically run out of the church, he told a story about a man who verbally abused his wife, someone caught wind of it, rumors spread, and he left the church out of embarrassment.   

Then, in a scolding voice, he said to the audience, “Do you think that person is going to come back to church after what happened? You humiliated him! He is not going to come back! What you should have done was taken him aside privately, asking him if he was okay, that you detected there might be a problem, and would he like to talk about it in confidence;" instead, of treating him like a piece of trash!

He, then, gave scriptures to back it up, "If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one" (Matt 18.15, NRSV), and "My friends, if anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the Spirit should restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness” (Gal 6.1). The purpose is to regain and restore the person back in step with the church and with God in a spirit of humility by not ignoring the “log” in your own eye (my first impression of Patty was that she was gossipy) before magnifying the “speck” in someone else's (Matt 7.3), and “judge” not lest you be “judged” (Matt 7.1), and what about "bear" with one another and "forgive" each other (Col 3.13).

The group at the table were dead silent and stoned-faced, while I was beaming from ear to ear because he said what I wanted to say, but didn’t know how to say it, and to come from such a renowned speaker, made it even better. They got the message, and after the luncheon retreat, tried to be warm, inviting, and conciliatory toward me, but it was too late; besides, I wanted to leave on a high note. I never went back to that church again.

Ironically, a few years later, while working with a guy that said he went to that church; without saying what happened to me, I told him I use to go there; then, unexpectedly, he said that one of the Pastors (he mentioned the one that rudely shunned me) took a leave of absence to go to rehab for alcohol abuse. Isn’t that funny how things turn around, and God, let me hear about it.

Three takeaways from that experience, first, I should have listened to that inner voice warning me about Patty as coming from the mouth of God, but I feared people instead of God, and it brought about a “snare.” Second, when going through tough times, turn my focus on heavenly things such as talking to a competent spiritual person, meditating on scripture, and trusting God to work, and not, on earthly things such as opening the fridge when not hungry, watching too much junk on TV, or drinking alcohol (Col 3.2). Given my past problem with alcohol that they didn't know about, I shouldn't have done it; Patty looked up to me spiritually, and I let her down and the group down, not to excuse what they did, but the whole thing could have been handled better. Third, until that experience, I never realized how important it is to find a church that allows people the time and space to grow without them gossiping, judging, or condemning. 

For example, after leaving that church, I didn't know where to go, so I just quietly went to a church that was the closest to home. Then, a few years later, while at the corner park, I notice a church group ministering to people around there, so I walked over to say hello. After talking with them a little bit, they invited me to their church, and, without them knowing my past church ordeal; amazingly, someone from their group said, “We don’t judge here!” That got my attention and stayed with me and believed that was where God wanted me to go, so I made my way over there, but from that past experience, church was never the same for me again. 

Feelings: The Last to Follow

As a Christian, I learned when walking by faith in the truth of God’s word, feelings are always the last to follow; they’ve been described as like the Caboose on a train because that is how long it takes for them to arrive at your words of truth. Psalm 30.5 illustrates this sequence beautifully to me, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” (KJV). The Psalmist knew joy was not far off as he hoped and trusted in God to work as in times past.

For example, when a wave of depression and sadness hits me, Psalm 30.5 is my go to scripture along with other truths such as giving thanks to God in all things (1 Thess 5.18), counting my blessings, praying for those less fortunate, and trusting God to work in the situation; even though, everything I’m feeling that day tells me I’m sad and depress, but by the next morning, feelings of joy engulfs me because that is how long it took for them (Caboose) to catch up with the words I had proclaimed throughout the day before.

Another example, one day, when memorizing scripture, I didn’t feel like doing it, but then, Ps 40.8 came to mind, “I delight to do your will, O my God: yes, your law is within my heart,” I believed that meant to do it; even though, I didn’t feel like it, but by the next morning, feelings of delight overcame me because that is how long it took for them (Caboose) to catch up with my words.

Another example, feeling offended when family members didn't include me in an outing that was originally my idea, I wanted to lash out at them; wishing them a terrible time, but then, Ps 119:165 came into view as my Bible laid open, “Great peace have they which love your law: And nothing shall offend them,” so I hurtfully focused on that scripture that day instead of feelings of anger and offence, and by the next morning, I had great peace. When talking to them later, I didn’t gloat when they told me they had a terrible time; I had great peace about it, and maybe, God just wanted to save me from wasting my time and money; since, it turned out to be terrible. However, if I had gloated, I would have set myself up for a downfall. For, "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (James 4.6).

Other times, we experience up-days when everything goes our way and falls into place: we get the close parking spaces, unexpected deals at stores, hit all the lights when driving, didn’t have to wait in lines, receive good news, but by the next day, it comes crashing down where no matter what we do nothing works out right. There is a lot of truth in the expression, what is up must come down, and what is down must go up.    

The words and thoughts we speak today influence how we feel later. By maintaining a sense of balance in our speech within and without us much like the above examples, fluctuating days can turn into fairly consistent ones. For example, when we are having an up-day, counterbalance it by, although delighted, being humble; When we are having a down-day, counterbalance it by trusting God to work, and that joy comes in the morning. In Psalms, there are many scriptures reflecting this sequence and helpful in balancing thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. 

God: Like a Good Teacher

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For a short time at the school district, I had the opportunity to observe teachers and aides up-close and in-action. What really impressed me was how dedicated they were to their students, and how they had total command of the classroom. Some teachers have been at the same schools for many years and have a close, harmonious, relationship with many of the students. I believe teaching is a gift from God, and pretty much everyone I observed found their gift. There were only a few where I thought, “You missed your calling!”

One such aide named Ella, a retired teacher working in a class of elementary school students with special needs, really knew how to get them moving on their tasks. One student in particular named Nick easily got distracted from his work because he loved to talk and socialize with other students, so to get him to focus, Ella would threaten to take away minutes from his recess. She knew it was his favorite thing to do, and that he loved it. It worked, for a little bit, but then, he soon became distracted again, so after a few warnings, Ella started taking away minutes from his recess.  

It seemed like every time I walked out onto the playground, there was Nick standing by the fence anxiously waiting for Ella to wave him in to play once his minutes were up. I told her that they should put a plaque at that spot with his name on it since he was there so much.  

That got me thinking about how God works with us. Like a good teacher, God knows where to hit us where it hurts in order to move us forward on our tasks. For example, being an introvert, I love quiet, order, and structure, but when I’m doing something God wants me to stop, or to do, or to let go of, and don’t do it soon enough, I notice He brings people along my way that are polar opposites to buffet me; people that are difficult, noisy, and chaotic because that gets me moving in doing His will. Once, I realized the disruptive person placed in my life came from God to get me back in step, I'd repent and, with His help and guidance, turn from what I was doing, or not doing, and then, He'd quickly remove the chaotic person from my path.

We can see that spiritual pattern of sin, discipline by God, recommitment to be faithful and repeated falls throughout the books of the Old Testament. For example, God called Jonah to go to the people of Nineveh to deliver a message from Him, a task he resisted and fled from, so God sent a mighty storm his way to get him back on track. 

Another example, in the Book of Judges, after Joshua died, the people often backslid from God, so to get them on track again; He'd raise-up an enemy from within their camp to buffet them. Then, they'd cry out to the LORD in their trouble, and He'd direct a savior type in the form of a judge to deliver them out of their distresses, and the cycle repeated. 

Their fickleness has its equivalent in our frequent falls in God’s service, at which, God can speak to us directly or indirectly through some kind of divine storm or disturbance to get us back in step. As I heard it said that a good description of a disciple of Christ today might be trying, failing, and trying again.  

A Lesson in Sacrificial Love

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While attending women’s Bible Study at my church on the miner prophet Malachi, I mentioned an experience I had that reminded me of it. In Malachi Ch.1, the temple priests offered sacrifices to God that were defective, lame, and sick, and thought they were doing right.

How it reminded me was that I had two new small devotional books. One of them I loved and really spoke to me almost from every page, and because of that, I reread it several times over again to the same effect. The other devotional was terrible and only spoke to me a couple of times, and very minutely. I wondered why they even called it a devotional; it was so bad!

At the corner park, I had engaged a man who was homeless. He had been there for a couple of years, and many people that frequented the park got to know him and tried to help him in some way. At one point, he was even under a pastor’s counsel for his deep depression and brokenness. He was a nice guy, early thirties, and went by the name D.

One day, he mentioned he was moving out of state, so as a farewell gift, I thought I would give him a few bucks and one of my new devotionals that he could read on the bus. He didn’t have a cell phone to be glued to, so I thought he just might read it on the long ride, and maybe it would speak to his heart and situation.

As I considered which devotional to give him, my first thought was to give him the one that didn’t speak to me, and that I didn’t like (the lame one). Then, I felt impressed on my heart, “Well, if it didn’t speak to you, what makes you think it’s going to speak to him?” Then, I thought, “Yeah, I’ll give him the one that did speak to me, and that I loved,” so, I reluctantly did. Through that experience, God gave me a lesson in sacrificial love. I was like those priests that lacked love in my giving, and thought I was doing right, and liked those priests; I was worldly in my thinking because I didn’t want to part with something I loved. The world is naturally selfish and thoughtless, so, it was no wonder that in Malachi 2, the priests divorced their wives.  

Now, I just practice sacrificial love. For example, my brother’s friend came over and asked for a bottle of water. My first thoughts were, “I’ll just give him the store brand, he’s not my friend, and these Arrow Heads are mine!” I recognized my worldly thinking and said to myself, “No, I’m going to give him the best water in this house, and so I did, and every time after that! One day, he blessed my heart by saying, “I know I must owe you a lot of water, but you have the good water.” It was nice of him to notice that I gave the "good water" and wondered if God’s heart is blessed when we notice He gave His good Son.

Another example, a young woman moving into her new apartment asked for a few dishes/utensils until she could retrieve her stuff.  Again, my first thoughts were, “I’ll just throw into the mix this oversized spoon, slightly, crooked prong fork, a few chipped plates, and this rusty, dull knife.” Again, I recognized the worldliness in my thoughts and said, “No! I’m giving her all good things.” If I had given her defective things, she probably would have taken one look at them, like I’m sure God did with the priest’s defective sacrifice, and said, “Are you sure you can spare it?”

Reflecting back on what it was like being on the receiving end of worldly, thoughtless giving, and how it made me feel unimportant, devalued, and small; it starts with me not to do that to someone else now that I have a better understanding of practicing sacrificial love in daily life. I want my giving to make someone feel important, valued, grateful, elevated; the way God makes me feel by giving His best in His Son for my sins (the pure oblation being the body and blood of Christ at the Lord's Supper/Mass Sacrifice, Mal 1.11).

Every now and then D pops in my mind, and I wonder how he is doing. In some way, I believe my devotional made a difference in his life because there is nothing stronger, more powerful than sacrificial love.

The Bible group got the connection and thanked me for sharing! 

Mom's Wisdom: You Cannot Be Just Friends with Guys

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I once read in a magazine that older people are happier. One reason given for this is because they are pickier about who they let into their lives. They have learned from experience the type of people that were hurtful, gossipy, pushy, deceitful, manipulative, abusive, one-sided, draining, and are quicker to distance themselves from them. Upon reading this, thoughts came to my mind about how I've cleaned house every now and then removing people from my life that were hurtful or stunted my growth as a person. One such person stood out, which also caused me to remember and act upon a piece of motherly advice I had received about relationships.

As a teenager, my mom often told me that you cannot be "just friends" with guys. I told her that she was out of touch, old fashion, and didn’t understand the younger generation, but it wasn’t until years later that I understood the truthfulness of her words.

I was someone that had male friends throughout my life. It seemed like I got along better with men than women; however, due in part, to one male friend’s excessive sexually explicit talk and sexual misconduct around me, I really got to thinking back on her words and ending male friendships for good.

This particular guy that I had known off and on again over many years only talked about one thing: SEX! No matter how many times, I tried to steer the conversation into another direction, he would always bring it back to that topic; his lack of self-control progressed from there to where he exposed and touched himself in front of me. I started to get nauseated around him, and he would bring me down spiritually. I tried distancing myself from him by not answering his phone calls or text messages, but then, he would just pop-in at my house. When he entered back into my life, I thought maybe it was to guide him onto a spiritual direction that might help bring some balance into that area of his life, but after several attempts, and his somewhat hostile response and lack of interest, I was like, “Nope, that ain’t it!”

Upon reflection, I considered that I had other male friends past and present that used sexual overtones occasionally and tested the waters every now and then to see if I'd be interested in something more than friendship or, at least, friends with benefits, but that was not their main focus, and they certainly were not like that sick perv.

In giving much serious thought about this person, I realized that he had never changed. As long as I had known him, he was always someone extremely preoccupied with sex, and, I learned, heavily into pornography, which go together. Conversely, I have changed over the years growing both spiritually and personally. I came to the conclusion that we had nothing in common since those early days of hanging out at the same after-work partying spots. Also, it became obvious to me that he was not a good friend; his words and deeds bore that out, and just because you have a history in a friendship does not mean it is a good reason to keep it going or to stay in touch any longer.

With that experience, my mother’s homespun wisdom rang true. It became clearer to me that no matter how hard you try to be "just friends" with a guy, there is always that sexual tension between you. I decided that unless I have some romantic attraction, I was not going to be on familiar terms with the opposite sex any longer. I ended male friendships for good, and it has made me a happier person. Thanks, Mom!

Covid-19: Psalm 57.1

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Unexpectedly and with no apparent reason many dark thoughts rose up within me. Like a procession marching past one by one a thought of sadness, shame, hurt, betrayal, self-pity, regret, resentment, bitterness, disappointment, anger, all vying for my attention and trying to get me to grab hold of them. It wasn’t me anymore, it was them bombarding me, and as I observed them with my mind’s eye, Psalm 57.1 came to my remembrance. It reads, “Be merciful to me, O God; be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, until the destroying storms pass by (NRSV)." The destroying storms are the dark thoughts, and I would picture myself taking refuge in the shadow of God’s wings until they'd pass by. 

In a similar way, many fearful thoughts occurred within me as the Corona Virus or Covid-19 started to take hold in the world and in our country. At first, I didn’t take it that seriously and when asked about it, I would dismissively say, “I’m not worried; I just put myself in God’s hands,” but as more came out about it, and the death toll rose, and businesses shut down, thoughts of worry, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, distress, panic, uneasiness, anger, attacked me. As I frantically looked for a way out, once again, Psalm 57.1 came to my remembrance, and I most assuredly repeated, “in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, until the destroying storms (fearful thoughts/pandemic) pass by,” and my soul rested. 

Off on an Advanture

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After the stressful experience of quitting my job due to an unhealthy out-of-balance work-life described in my previous post, I badly needed a break to recover and think about what to do with my life. What made the need for a break difficult was that I, being a single woman, had responsibilities such as a mortgage and bills. My family gave me moral support, but they could not give me financial support. 

In being fearful of not having an income, I lined up a new job that didn't start for a month of leaving my old one, which gave me a little break anyway; nonetheless, I was sad about working there because it was the same old stuff just a different place. 

One day as I was watering my front lawn and sadly thinking about the new job start date approaching, I solemnly said to God, "If this new job were to fall through, I wouldn't mind a bit." Then, all of a sudden, it fell through! I shockingly said, "Lord, I was joking; you took me too seriously!" The company informed me that they took back the job offer because I failed the drug test. I was afraid of that; being stressed out at work, and not knowing about the test, I had taken a Xanax that didn't belong to me a few weeks earlier. Worried that it might show up, I tried washing it out by drinking lots of water, but apparently, Xanax can stay in your system for a long time. 

No worries! Being an employable person, I then tried working part-time, and thought maybe I could get a rest that way while still having some money coming in; but in reality, part-time really meant full-time but with fewer benefits. Plus, it was still along the same line of work I was used to and wanted to get out of. 

So, I decided to make some drastic changes, and mentioned to family members that I was selling my townhome and car to do something different; they said, with a shocked look on their faces, "Good luck with that!”

After the sale of my property and possessions, I went out of state for a year to rest and visit my two sisters. It became clear to me after much soul searching and prayer that if I wanted to do something different, I had to go back to school. Around the same time, my brother, who is single, bought a house back home and invited me to live there while attending school, and he would keep my rent low. It was official! My overhead was low enough to go off on an adventure along paths of discovery and learning by returning to school after many years.

However, school was anything but an adventure. I started out as a full-time student, but the workload became too much that I wasn’t learning anything; I was just trying to keep up. I had not studied in years; in fact, I barely remember cracking open a textbook back then. Plus, I was still recovering from an emotionally drained past work-life. I began dropping, skipping, and retaking classes, and after a few semesters, I was ready to give up until one morning as I prayerfully contemplated my options. I realized that there was no other door open for me, and if I did not take school more seriously, it was back to the same old, same old, again. That was the motivation I needed to stay in school, so, instead of waking up in the morning thinking about skipping classes, I'd wake up proclaiming, "I'm excited to go to school today!"

I looked for a school-life balance that worked for me. Since I was neither in a hurry, nor at full capacity health wise, I decided to cut back on classes and go at my own pace. I became more focused and engaged in what I was doing, I stopped skipping classes and taking short cuts on studying and just did the work, and, in doing so, school had become more enjoyable, educational, and adventurous.

Additionally, attending school has made me a more balanced person mainly due to the fact that I have always had work experience, but little school experience. It also brought about more healing and peace into my life because I have a better understanding of how the world works. Moreover, Communication is my major and one of my weak areas; therefore, it helped balance my introvert personality since there is much public speaking.

Most importantly, I discovered a pattern of how God works; it is The Basic Law of Life: For everything you get in life, you also have to give up something. Every time I give up something with God’s guidance and help, I get something better in return. I could not have gone back to school with a demanding job, the upkeep of a home, and the expenses I had.

People ask me, “What are you going to do with your degree?” I tell them that I don’t want a company job anymore; I feel like I already had my 15 minutes of fame. I want to do something more rewarding and fulfilling such as help in my community in some way. In addition, I tell them that school is personally enhancing.

If you are not sure what to do with your life or you are stuck in a line of work that you can't get out of, then, school is the best place for you even if you are older, like me, when you go back. Higher education is for everyone!