Off on an Advanture

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After the stressful experience of quitting my job due to an unhealthy out-of-balance work-life described in my previous post, I badly needed a break to recover and think about what to do with my life. What made the need for a break difficult was that I, being a single woman, had responsibilities such as a mortgage and bills. My family gave me moral support, but they could not give me financial support. 

In being fearful of not having an income, I lined up a new job that didn't start for a month of leaving my old one, which gave me a little break anyway; nonetheless, I was sad about working there because it was the same old stuff just a different place. 

One day as I was watering my front lawn and sadly thinking about the new job start date approaching, I solemnly said to God, "If this new job were to fall through, I wouldn't mind a bit." Then, all of a sudden, it fell through! I shockingly said, "Lord, I was joking; you took me too seriously!" The company informed me that they took back the job offer because I failed the drug test. I was afraid of that; being stressed out at work, and not knowing about the test, I had taken a Xanax that didn't belong to me a few weeks earlier. Worried that it might show up, I tried washing it out by drinking lots of water, but apparently, Xanax can stay in your system for a long time. 

No worries! Being an employable person, I then tried working part-time, and thought maybe I could get a rest that way while still having some money coming in; but in reality, part-time really meant full-time but with fewer benefits. Plus, it was still along the same line of work I was used to and wanted to get out of. 

So, I decided to make some drastic changes, and mentioned to family members that I was selling my townhome and car to do something different; they said, with a shocked look on their faces, "Good luck with that!”

After the sale of my property and possessions, I went out of state for a year to rest and visit my two sisters. It became clear to me after much soul searching and prayer that if I wanted to do something different, I had to go back to school. Around the same time, my brother, who is single, bought a house back home and invited me to live there while attending school, and he would keep my rent low. It was official! My overhead was low enough to go off on an adventure along paths of discovery and learning by returning to school after many years.

However, school was anything but an adventure. I started out as a full-time student, but the workload became too much that I wasn’t learning anything; I was just trying to keep up. I had not studied in years; in fact, I barely remember cracking open a textbook back then. Plus, I was still recovering from an emotionally drained past work-life. I began dropping, skipping, and retaking classes, and after a few semesters, I was ready to give up until one morning as I prayerfully contemplated my options. I realized that there was no other door open for me, and if I did not take school more seriously, it was back to the same old, same old, again. That was the motivation I needed to stay in school, so, instead of waking up in the morning thinking about skipping classes, I'd wake up proclaiming, "I'm excited to go to school today!"

I looked for a school-life balance that worked for me. Since I was neither in a hurry, nor at full capacity health wise, I decided to cut back on classes and go at my own pace. I became more focused and engaged in what I was doing, I stopped skipping classes and taking short cuts on studying and just did the work, and, in doing so, school had become more enjoyable, educational, and adventurous.

Additionally, attending school has made me a more balanced person mainly due to the fact that I have always had work experience, but little school experience. It also brought about more healing and peace into my life because I have a better understanding of how the world works. Moreover, Communication is my major and one of my weak areas; therefore, it helped balance my introvert personality since there is much public speaking.

Most importantly, I discovered a pattern of how God works; it is The Basic Law of Life: For everything you get in life, you also have to give up something. Every time I give up something with God’s guidance and help, I get something better in return. I could not have gone back to school with a demanding job, the upkeep of a home, and the expenses I had.

People ask me, “What are you going to do with your degree?” I tell them that I don’t want a company job anymore; I feel like I already had my 15 minutes of fame. I want to do something more rewarding and fulfilling such as help in my community in some way. In addition, I tell them that school is personally enhancing.

If you are not sure what to do with your life or you are stuck in a line of work that you can't get out of, then, school is the best place for you even if you are older, like me, when you go back. Higher education is for everyone!

 

A Work-Life Balance Became So Important That I Quit My Job

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Work-Life Out of Balance

In the corporate world, I had a job that I loved. My title was Accounting Specialist, and it was totally suited for my introvert personality because I could spend the day fairly much alone in my cubicle doing figure work. That was probably why I excelled at my job so quickly. 

In addition to my regular work hours, there was always plenty of overtime, and I never called in sick. When I did take time off, I often received phone calls during the day or night to help with balancing problems. That was how dedicated I was to my job, I wanted to retire working at that company, or, so, I thought.

Mini Prophecy

One day while at work, I was thinking about how much I loved my job, and then, all of a sudden, I had what I call a mini prophecy. It started out as an eyelid flutter that got my attention, and, as I rubbed it out, a still small voice within me said, “Don’t love it too much because it's not going to last.” I thought that was weird and shrugged it off because there was no way I was not going to love my job. Nevertheless, I pondered that event every now and then wondering about it.

Mini Prophecy Fulfilled

Sometime later, new management took over in our area with one manager in particular that stood out. He was loud, rude, and arrogant with a continuous entourage of men surrounding him wherever he went, when you'd talked to him, it was always to his back as he walked off from you, and you could always hear him say to someone around the office, “You are only as good as your last project.” 

Also, among the new management team were a group of partying managers that favored the partying employed; the atmosphere became politically toxic more so than normal that I started noticing how badly some of the bosses were treating some employees, and, I thought, “Hmm, if they can do that to them, they can do that to me.” That got me thinking that maybe my loyalties were misplaced.

Around the same time, the long and crazy hours were taking its toll on me. I felt burned out and fatigued, and a sense of uneasiness settled in. That sense of uneasiness was persistent. No matter how many times I gave myself a pep-talk about how everything is good, I love my job, don't worry, be happy, quit complaining, that sense of uneasiness would settle back in.

I started desiring a work-life balance, but the usual tips for one such as prioritize, learn to say no, don’t answer the phone, stop being the hero, were not going to work for me; since, I was always there when the company needed me, that's what they expected. I had to make a clean break; a work-life balance became so important that I quit my job.

Call for Change

After being away from the situation for a while, I believe that the persistent uneasiness I experienced during the last several years at my job was guidance from the Holy Spirit to make a change.

Words of Advice

If you are experiencing a work-life crisis, quiet down, be alert and awake, and listen for the invitations of your Inner Guide. Sometimes they may come in the form of a nudge, or a yearning, or a longing, or a stirring, or like me, a sense of uneasiness. They are calls for us to step out and to be our best.  

Lessons Learned

In my life, it seems I have always taken things to the extreme, and a job that I really loved was no different, but now, a job is not my life anymore, and time spent with God, nature, family, friends, pets, or alone are just as important if not more.  I remember once mentioning to a Pastor that I could not regularly attend Sunday church services due to work, and he said, “Maybe you should find a new job.” I was somewhat put off by his response because he didn't know my situation, but in hindsight, he was right; I just wasn't ready to receive it. 

Starting Over

Off on an Adventure is the title of my next post! I will explain how I moved on from the crushing blow of an out-of-balance work-life, and the end of my job of many years to move into a new direction, which brought about needed balances in other areas as well.

Psalms: My Favorite Book

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Being a devoted Bible reader, I thought about what my favorite book is in it, but I already knew in my heart it was Psalms, since it has been an enormous help to me when facing dark times. That is because many of the Psalms are laments and perfectly suited for dark times. By that, we learn that the most powerful prayer is a cry for help when life seems chaotic, or we are in direr distress.

For example, numerous Psalms has to do with an enemy that is in some way persecuting the soul of a believer or community. Although, it originally came to a people from long ago, we can relate to Psalms today at a deeper level. Now-a-days, our enemies are not outside of us, but inside of us; they are in our thoughts and attitudes. 

It became relatable to me when going through a distressing time and feeling pressed on all sides, which brought about thoughts of fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, and confusion. As my Bible laid open to Psalms, I prayed, one of several times past, for help on how to combat the turmoil within me, and, as I looked down at the page, the Lord must have played a trick on my eyes, because to my amazement, it appeared as if a word wiggled on it, and then, a flood of understanding came to my mind that I use God’s all-powerful word to combat my inner thought life.

The first scripture that jumped out at me was Ps 25.15, “My eyes are ever toward the LORD; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net” (KJV). The understanding I received was that the moment we let go of thoughts, and turn, the focus of our attention on Jesus, our feet are plucked out of the net meaning the many thoughts we get tangled up in. It took off from there, and one scripture after another jumped out at me or occurred within me along with its deeper meaning, as it says in Ps 119.92, "Unless thy law had been my delights, I should then have perished in my affliction."

A Similar example is Ps 18.14, “Praised be the LORD, I exclaim, and I am safe from my enemies” (Confraternity Text). What it says to me is that whenever we realize we are engaged in our thoughts whether they are good or bad, exclaim, “Praised be the LORD” as a prompt or a cue to let go of thoughts, and focus our attention on the LORD; and, in turn, we are safe from our enemies meaning the many empty, vain thoughts that occupy our mind and our time robbing us of being present with the LORD in the moment. While in the moment, listen for God as Prov 8.34 states, “Blessed is the man that hears me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my doors" (KJV).

We know God is in the moment when in Ex 3.14, God revealed His name to Moses as  “I AM THAT I AM.” I am is present tense; and, when we are present, thoughts cannot enter as Psalm 5.4 states, “For you are not a God that has pleasure in wickedness: neither shall evil dwell with you."

From Psalms, we also learn that our thoughts don’t tell us the truth as in Ps 120.1-2, “In my distress I cried unto the LORD, and he heard me. Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips, and from a deceitful tongue.” The lying lips and deceitful tongue are the many small voices within us trying to control us. For example, I may have a thought that says, “I think I’ll go to the store,” that is a perfectly good thought, and my next step, but look at the lying thoughts that surround it trying to derail me, “I hate going to the grocery store, I always have to squeeze the produce to get the best ones, I can never decide, and then, I have to check expiration dates; it takes forever” (let go of those thoughts).

Sometimes, the lying thoughts sound like good thoughts. For example, I may have a thought that says, “I think I’ll lose a few pounds,” that is a perfectly good thought, but look at the many "good thoughts" that follow it. “I’m going to get really fit, eat healthy, drink lots of water, exercise two hours a day, lift weights, get active and go hiking" (it doesn't turn out that way, and sets us up for a downfall; ignore those thoughts).

Other times, the lying thoughts flip when I’m moving away from God into fleshly territory due to anger, wrath, quarrels (see Gal 5.19-20). For example, I had a heated argument with my brother, and afterward, while still fuming, a thought rose up within me that said, "I hate my brother,” but then, two back-to-back thoughts occurred that said, "He has his things too; forgive your brother” (see how they flipped, forgiving moves me back towards God (Gal 5.22-23).

Now, in Psalms, as I come across words expressing an enemy, I realize they can also be in my own thoughts and attitudes, like, an Absalom, out to destroy me; or Pharaoh, keeping me in bondage; or rulers, trying to control me; or a corrupt judge, wrongfully accusing me; or any other types of persecutors mentioned, such as, the unrighteous, the scornful, the scoffer, the mocker, the deceitful, the proud, the flatterer, the treacherous, sinners, that thinks they cannot be seen as in Ps 64.5, "They hold fast to their evil purpose; they talk of laying snares secretly, thinking, ""who can see us?""

Even so, we also learn that God is above all things, "For I know that the LORD is great; our Lord is above all gods (Ps 135.5, NRSV). By standing firm in His word and trusting in God's mercy, goodness, and might within and without me, it really got me started in quieting my soul, and, in turn, being more present to God and His workings in my life.

Ps 131, “LORD, my heart is not haughty, nor mine eyes lofty: Neither do I exercise myself in great matters, or in things too high for me. Surely I have behaved and quieted myself, As a child that is weaned of his mother: my soul is even as a weaned child. Let Israel hope in the Lord from henceforth and for ever."

 

 

 

Opioid Addiction: Look to Jesus

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With God’s help, I overcame alcohol, illegal drugs, and cigarette addiction, but my addictive personality was still alive and well and, in-time, turned to prescription pain medicine. Even after overcoming past dependencies, I was still looking for something mood altering whether it be energy tablets, over-the-counter medicines such as pain relievers, sleep aids, sinus tablets, and the occasional prescription drug passed around work or home. That made me easy prey for picking up the habit. In addition, it was during the time when Big Pharma was pushing the use of opioids, which turned into an epidemic. The types I used were Hydrocodone, Percocet, OxyContin, Morphine, Soma (a muscle relaxer), and Xanax (anti-anxiety). Although, I did not have prescriptions for all these drugs; nevertheless, I knew other addicts some with differing prescriptions, and we would borrow, trade, buy, and share drugs with each other. 

Like many addicted to prescription drugs, we'd overuse what was prescribed to us; they rarely lasted until the next doctor visit, and, due in part, to those frequent ups and downs of having drugs, and then, not having drugs, and the sick, painful feeling of withdrawals when you don't have them, I soon found myself seeking God’s help again to overcome yet another addictive substance in my life. Often times in our walk with God, it is two steps back for every one step forward as we learn to trust God.

Through work, I attained medical insurance which allowed me to go to the Doctor for prescription pain medicine, but that changed when I quit my job. However, my prescription drug use did not stop there; I just did less of it because I didn’t have the insurance or money to keep it going, but I knew people that did, and hit them up for some when their prescriptions were refilled. 

Often, I would go months without any drug use at all and happily think, "Yay! I'm free from the habit," but then, something would trigger those strong feelings, impulses, and thoughts that occurred within me for them again such as a social gathering (I have always felt anxiety in crowds and drugs helped me cope) or just wanting to veg-out in front of the TV over a long holiday weekend. Then, I would seek them out again, and the cycle repeated.

Every time, I sought God for help to get me off of these pills with its recurring feelings, impulses, and urges, and all the related thoughts and imagery that goes along with them going off inside me like 4th of July fireworks, very spectacular, I felt impressed on my heart to look to Jesus; how did Jesus handle the cross in His life (cross, for us, is a code word for trial, temptation, tribulation, affliction, persecution)? He patiently endured the suffering of it, but I didn't want to hear that because I didn't want to do the work, so like a child, I whined saying, "NO! I don't want to look to Jesus! Can't you just instantly deliver me?" However, deep down, I knew better as Jesus says in Luke 21.19, "By your endurance you will gain your souls" (NRSV), that is what brings new life.  

What God impressed on my heart to do when faced with temptation was that every time thoughts, feelings, urges, occurred within me for pills, to stop (meaning, take a step back), let the thoughts go by and don’t engage them because I won't like what they have to say, just let them go by like someone walking past me on the sidewalk, while patiently enduring the suffering of them until they pass through my mind/body. When I engage the thoughts, I'm keeping them alive because I'm feeding them, but when I let them go, I'm putting them to death because I'm starving them of attention, and new life comes in its place. Jesus didn’t engage his persecutors as Isaiah 53.7 says, “He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth."

I really put God's plan to the test after a family member died from a prescription drug overdose (addiction runs in the family). Over the years, we were not close, and I felt such sadness and remorse over her passing, and anger towards addiction that with my whole being, I prayed again for help out of this personal, invisible, prison (addiction) I was in. At that point, I had such a resolve to put into action what God gave me to handle this destructive, deadly, habit.

For example, as I was walking towards the bus stop on my way home from a place, a strong thought/feeling occurred within me for pills that said, “It’s the weekend and you don’t have much work to do; why not go and get some pills. You know you want to!” I literally stopped dead in my tracks, closed my eyes, let the thought/feeling go by, and patiently endured the suffering of it until it passed through my mind/body. I didn’t engage the thought because when you engage it, you risk going down with it.

Once on the bus, another nagging thought/feeling rose up within me that said, “It’s not too late; you can still go and get some pills!” Again, I stopped, closed my eyes, let the thought/feeling go by while patiently enduring the suffering of the temptation without engaging it in my mind until it passed. Some other thoughts that tried to trip me up were: “You can't do it; It's too difficult; God won't help; Today is not a good day to start; God has another plan!” I noticed that each time I repeated the same above action, the thought/feeling got weaker and weaker, and further and further away from me in my mind. Now, instead of letting the thought go by like someone walking past me on the sidewalk; it was like, letting the thought go by like someone walking past me on the sidewalk from across the street. That is how much of a gap there seemed between us. I was becoming detached from them.

The last thought/feeling that occurred about it was after returning home, I was sitting at the computer desk, and a thought rose up within that said, “It’s still not too late; you can borrow your brother’s car and go get some pills!” By then, the condition of the thought was weak, slow moving, wobbly, unstable, distant, and powerless that I just stared at it in my mind’s eye and mockingly said, “Really!” Then, all of a sudden, I felt something roll up my back and off my shoulders. I quickly turned to see what it was, but there was nothing there. I don’t know what it was, but I wondered if it was the spirit of addiction that has plagued me, in some form and in some way, most of my adult life.

I never used or had an urge for opioid drugs since. Those thoughts that occurred within me for them are quiet and at rest. To quote St. Augustine, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." Don’t get me wrong, there is not a doubt in my mind that if I begin using again, it will not take long for me to be back where I started from, but for now, my soul is quiet and at rest. Thank you, Jesus for showing us the way to new life (recovery) by patiently enduring the suffering of your cross (persecutors), you showed us the way to handle ours (addiction).

As for over-the-counter medicine, I felt impressed on my heart that with a little resistance, I can stop taking them. Immediately, I remembered what an old ex-drug addict once said, “Because of my past problems with addiction, the only pill I take is an antibiotic.” I thought, “He’s right!" Now, when I’m sick or have a headache/body ache, I just try to tuff it out; I won’t even take a cough drop. To shore up things even more, I don’t partake of the wine or grape juice portion during communion at Mass/church or eat/drink anything that has to do with grapes. Then, I recalled when God shored up things for the nazirites by telling them not to eat or drink certain things that might tempt them into fermented drinks. It reads, “they shall drink no wine vinegar or other vinegar, and shall not drink any grape juice or eat grapes, fresh or dried. All their days as nazirites they shall eat nothing that is produced by the grapevine, not even the seeds or the skins” (Numbers 6.3-4). Much like the nazirites, I avoid anything that might tempt me.

Perfect for this post is a quote I came across by Winston Churchill that goes, "Sure I am of this, that you have only to endure to conquer."